The Grapes of Wrath

I'm a big supporter of the self-checkout lanes at the grocery store.  The lines are short, you can scan all kinds of expired coupons, and you don't have to deal with dim-witted cashiers who are easily confused by computers and slow down the checkout process.  (For the record, I was a professional grocery checker/bagger for three years during college, so I can perform both tasks at an exceptionally high level and hold the rest of the world to a similar standard.)  Self-checkouts represent a giant leap forward in the grocery shopping experience--it's like we're living in the future.  And to think that ten years ago, I assumed "self-checkout" was a process that required standing at home in front of a mirror...

My experience at the self-checkout lane this past weekend was much like the majority of my past encounters--speedy and convenient.  As I breezed through the line and laughed at the rest of the shopping world mired in the long lines stretching from the normal checkout aisles, I suffered a momentary flashback to a self-checkout experience that was far less pleasant...

Late last fall, I found myself waiting in line for an open self-checkout register.  The store was so busy that even the self-checkout stations were backed up...and there are few things that I enjoy less than the dreaded combination of shopping and waiting in line. Unfortunately, the perfect storm descended upon me that day, bringing a third ugly variable into the mix...how fate managed to so quickly find one of the things from my list of "things that I enjoy less," I'll never understand.  But standing right in front of me in that line were not one, but two unruly children!

The two boys were running all over, hitting each other, even occasionally bumping into other shoppers. One of them managed to get a hold of a rubber ball that he repeatedly tried to shoot (often inaccurately) into his mom's shopping cart.  The scene was an absolute nightmare, and a few thoughts crossed my mind...

First, I wanted to break a baguette over the head of the mother, who was making absolutely no effort to subdue her dreadful offspring.  Second, I felt that I could help the boys--if they wanted to hit each other, I was not only well qualified but extremely motivated to offer some assistance in this department.  I would happily volunteer to hit each one on behalf of the other.

But in addition to a standing ovation from the other shoppers, such actions would undoubtedly result in me getting undeservingly slapped with a lawsuit by the kids' overly litigious mother...so I clenched my teeth and tried hard to unclench my fists.  The next few minutes felt like an eternity, but I finally made my way to an open register, ready to check out and sprint for the exit.  Unfortunately, the devil children were now at the register directly across from me as their mother scanned her groceries.

As I furiously scanned my items, the older of the two deviants seemed to be taking a keen interest in my purchases.  Barely tall enough to see over the counter, he carefully watched each of my items glide down the conveyor toward the bagging area.  I watched his every move like a hawk, knowing that whatever he was up to, it couldn't be good. And sure enough, I was absolutely right.  I scanned a bag of grapes and sent it down the conveyor, and one of his evil hands reached up and started to grab one of my grapes from the bag.

Up to that point, the boy hadn't noticed me glaring at his every move, but as he reached for the grape, he must have felt the heat from my death stare burning a hole in the side of his head.  He glanced in my direction and made a very wise decision, immediately pulling his hand away from the bag.  A smart move indeed, because had he actually stolen a single grape, he was going to get clubbed with a ten-pound bag of oranges, and I was already mid-windup.

Fortunately for the young boy and my bag of oranges, the look on my face had successfully conveyed my feelings toward children and grocery theft, because he promptly walked away from my checkout station.  I was able to exit the store with all of my grapes accounted for and without any pending litigation, both causes for celebration.  Let's just hope his mother decides to start doing some actual parenting in the near future, or she's going to find herself down a child...but then again, maybe she's smarter than I thought and that's all part of her master plan...