That title of this post sounds strangely familiar...I think I stole the slogan from a cosmetics campaign. But it couldn't be more relevant with some of the crazies who are making headlines lately. By now, you've undoubtedly heard about Patricia Krentcil, the insane tanning woman from New Jersey who faces child endangerment charges after putting her ghostly-pale five year-old daughter in a tanning booth.
This scaly specimen has received far more attention than she deserves, serving as an endless fountain of jokes for late night talk show hosts and Saturday Night Live skits alike. But Krentcil insists that she's a fantastic mother and recently responded to the constant criticism by claiming that those who insult her are fat, ugly, and jealous.
Almost as annoying as tanning lady herself are the constant stream of news programs that deem it worthwhile to bring in psychology experts to analyze her behavior. I barely watch the news, and I'm already sick of hearing the word "tanorexia." What is it with people inventing words for imaginary problems that rhyme with actual medical conditions?
As far as I can tell, an addiction to tanning has nothing to do with an eating disorder. The fact that experts can make the words rhyme isn't particularly impressive or witting. The same goes for the word workaholic--what does a drinking problem have to do with being overworked?! But I digress...my point is that it doesn't take a PhD in psychology to determine that Patricia Krentcil has plenty of problems upstairs. A half-second glance at her photo takes care of that:
If the pictures somehow haven't convinced you, consider this: Snooki, the orange Smurf from Jersey Shore, recently weighed in with her expert opinion on the child endangerment trial, referring to Krentcil as a "crazy *&@$%." Equally incriminating is the fact that a number of New Jersey tanning salons are refusing service to Krentcil, posting pictures of her and telling employees to turn her away. That's when you know you have a problem..."whoa, I think you've had enough!" is a phrase typically reserved for bartenders cutting off drunk and unruly customers, not tanning salon owners.
I don't have a PhD in psychology, but I think that Patricia Krentcil just needs to focus on something other than her appearance. I have no idea if this woman is married or single (I'm guessing single, unless she found someone with an alligator fetish), but I think some love and appreciation might help her kick her tanning habit. And I have just the perfect match for her: Sammy Sosa.
I doubt that Sammy and Patricia have ever met, but they already have something in common: Sosa was a famous baseball player, and Krentcil has a face like a worn out catcher's mitt. Plus, any successful relationship requires a healthy dose of compromise, and these two are a match made in heaven when it comes to meeting in the middle. Take a look at this before and after picture of Sosa, comparing his appearance during his baseball days (right) to his more recent look (left):
Perhaps the two can bond over their mutual envy of the other's skin color. Sosa seems to be pursuing the Michael Jackson look (he credits his color on a new moisturizer he's been using), while Krentcil is trying to turn herself into a piece of human charcoal. If opposites attract, there's no better pair than a pale black man and a freakishly bronze white woman. Yin, meet yang. The future may hold a lot of promise for these two, but I still think the world would be a simpler and less crazy place if they could just love the skin they're in...