Friday, June 29, 2012

Sticky Moments In Trashy Places

Of all the possible places a person can get stuck, this has to be the worst: Wal-Mart restroom.  Thankfully, I've never set foot in one myself, but I have to imagine it rivals Dante's ninth circle of hell.  Spend a few seconds perusing the pictures at, and you'll see why the confines of the Wal-Mart crapper make death look like a picnic.  The world's filthiest people doing their dirtiest business...does it get more rock bottom than that? 

Earlier this month, a Kentucky woman found herself in just such a situation.  Someone heard a woman screaming for help from the bathroom of a Wal-Mart store in Monticello, Kentucky, only to find her super glued to a toilet seat.  She'd been stuck to the toilet for a full hour, unable to get up.  This was no laughing matter--workers had to call in the paramedics to offer her some "ass"-istance. (Okay, it's definitely a laughing matter).

After another hour working to free the woman from her porcelain captor, the medical crew transported her to the emergency room--seat still stuck to her backside--where they finally freed her once and for all.  The police also joined the party, but aren't yet willing to officially announce whether this was a hilarious accident or a hilarious, intentional prank...since, as you know, super glue accidentally finds its way onto toilet seats all the time.  The only crime here is the fact that the person responsible could actually be charged with a crime!  Instead of a well-earned high-five from the cops, the glue-wielding prankster could face second-degree "ass"-ault charges (seriously, no pun intended, despite the quotes again).

The logical question, of course, is this: why didn't the woman notice glue smeared all over the seat before sitting on the toilet!?  News reports refer to the woman as "unidentified" and no pictures have been released, but since she's a Wal-Mart shopper, there's a high probability that she leans toward the "big boned" end of the 'ol body type spectrum.  In a cramped bathroom stall, given her fleshy carriage and the simple laws of physics, I'm sure it was nearly impossible for her to look down for a seat check.

This theory is supported by the fact that she spent sixty minutes trying to get up before help finally arrived.  At her size, I'm sure getting up is always a struggle--even in the comfort and safety of her own home, standing up might be a half-hour event.  I'm guessing she spent the first fifty-five of minutes of that hour struggling to stand before she realized that there was glue involved.

As great as story as this is, it's not entirely fact, there's a good chance this was a copy-cat prank.  Back on March 31, a man found himself in the exact same situation, glued to a toilet seat in Maryland.  Any guesses where that prank took place?  Yep, Wal-Mart!  Anyone with half a brain would go to Wal-Mart to pull something like this...executing a prank among Wal-Mart shoppers is like shooting fish in a barrel.  After all, this is Wal-Mart...the place where customers are puzzled by the meaning of the "50/50" label on their tube of lean ground beef.

If I somehow end up glued to a toilet in a Wal-Mart bathroom at some point in my life, I'll chew my own legs off Aron Ralson-style before I spend an hour stuck in there.  Maybe I can wrangle a movie and book deal out of it, too.  I never thought I needed further motivation to avoid Wal-Marts and public restrooms, but here we are.  Enjoy a video and some links to the story:

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